Yes I know. My dad passed away in August and here it is June and I'm just getting around to this now. I wish I could say I have a lot of awesome memories of my dad. But I don't. Because he was really only in my life for about 9 years, I only have a few. I feel very sad over the fact that he died without really knowing all of his kids and grand-kids, but it was his choice. Still - because it's the first Father's Day after his passing, I can't just pretend he didn't exist.
I know I loved him when I was a kid before absence made my heart immune.
He was an alcoholic who was abusive to my mom and us kids (especially my brother). But he was my dad and there were some good times. I know my siblings have different memories and some of mine will no doubt sound weird to a lot of people. But please....Humour Me.
I remember his huge motorcycle boots. I remember how safe I felt when he held my hand crossing the street. I remember being worried sick about him when I learned "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" in grade one - because he told me he worked in the mountains...(I have no idea if that was true or not).
For awhile he had a trucking business and I remember riding in the back of his 3-ton truck. There were 3 of us kids lined up in a row lying on a moving pad right below the window in the box of the truck. We stopped at King's Burgers on Kingsway and had corn dogs and fries. Another time he had a garbage truck business and I remember going with him on his route and finding pretty decent produce when he picked up the garbage from Super Valu. I remember going to the city dump with him and getting used to the terrible smell there. One time a seagull pooped on my hand while we were there. I was disgusted. My dad laughed. I remember how his eyes crinkled when he laughed.
I remember my mom having a surprise birthday party for him. She made a cake shaped like a garbage truck and everyone at the party was so impressed by her efforts.
There were drives to look at Christmas lights, Christmas mornings and horsey rides; work boot dances, laughter. And then before I turned 10 years old he disappeared from our life.
I missed him and for years I invented scenes in my dreams where he would come back for me. I envied my friends, the ones who had loving relationships with their dads. For reasons I couldn't understand at the time, I missed out on the bonds of fathers and daughters, but I am not bitter. Just sad.
I went through the usual self destructive behaviour that often comes as a result of bad or non-existent fathering. But I survived. And by God's amazing grace I met my husband, who became not only my soul mate but the awesome father of our sons.
Today, as I was reflecting on these thoughts I was reminded that although my situation was not the best, it could have been so much worse. I know of so many people who have only bad memories of their dads or no memories at all. I'm thankful to have mine.
And now......
Although I am thankful to my earthly dad for his part in giving me life, I am profoundly thankful for my heavenly father who gave me eternal life. As an added bonus I am so blessed to be able to see the bonds between my three sons and their children. They know the true definition of Fatherhood. They know that although life is not always going to be great, they are committed. I'm confident that they will protect, love and honour their children no matter what.
It's with great respect and pride that I wish them a Happy Father's Day......
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